A little bit of distance...

...is never good in your relationship with God. Lately, I've had this feeling that I'm just not doing things right or there's something going on in my life that's got to change, because these past couple of weeks I have felt so far from God. I've felt that there's this distance between us that's limiting my ability to live full on for God every moment of every day. Granted, I've been busy and stressed with full time clinicals, half marathons, and exams, but that's no excuse. I'm still having my quiet times each morning. For me, it's a crucial way to start the day. It gets my mind focused on Christ and I feel that I'm better able to live for Him. But even in my quiet time something's missing. I don't want to say that God's a feeling, because He is SO MUCH MORE than that. But I can feel the difference of being in His presence and when I'm not. I think a lot of what I'm going through right now is that I'm really struggling for Christian fellowship. I haven't been to my OT bible study in a month and my college group just got started after a long absence. I'm not trying to point fingers, but being in a graduate program where there are so few believers makes it difficult for me not only to make the right decisions, but be held accountable for them. That's where the fellowship comes in, breaking up the monotony and being with people who hold the same values and ideas that I do - it's downright crucial for survival through this Christian walk. Today was the first time in weeks, where I had a quiet time where I felt so connected to God and in His presence. The best part - when I was praying and reading it wasn't about me at all. I was just giving honor and praise to God throughout everything - something I don't do enough. Even when I don't "feel" Him, I know He's there. There would be no way I could make it through everything I'm going through without Him. But there's something about being in His presence, that just makes you feel alive and on fire for God. Just food for thought.

Half Marathon PR!!

I know I talk about running a lot, but today I hit a PR on my run. I have to say it's totally unexpected as various events persisted through out my week. I went to personal training on Tuesday, but only ran on Wednesday and Thursday. Not to mention I've been having some pretty serious muscle pain in my lower leg (kim maybe you can help me figure out what it is???). Also, the last time Laura and I tried to run 11 miles we only made it to 7 so I had some pretty serious doubts about this half. My only was to make it to the end. And boy did I! Despite the stomach cramps, the muscle cramps, the head games, the week of fieldwork and waking up at 4:45 every morning, and the poor running, I did it! And I did it in 2:02:28. Kim and I have this goal of making a half under 2 hours, so while I was so close, I didn't make it. However I did decrease my half time by more than 2 minutes! It feels great. The only downside is, I feel completely lazy and have an exam on Tuesday which I am nowhere near prepared for. At least I have tomorrow and Monday...

Insecurity

Let me start out by saying, that this past weekend was so fun. On Friday, my whole class presented our Master's thesis. While this was not fun, everyone worked so hard and really set the bar high. Friday night we went out to dinner and drinks with some of the professors and then first thing Saturday I drove to Richmond to have some quality best friend time with Kim. As soon as I got there, Kim and I went on a 5.5 mile run. An easy feat, yes, but very difficult when it's 80 degrees outside. Then we went on a massive shopping trip which was very therapeutic. Laura told me recently that "shopping is a feeling" and I'm starting to believe it. Sunday we ran the mud run where I gashed my knee by sliding down a wall and hitting concrete. Not fun, but all the attention made me feel hardcore. This week has been a full week of clinicals for me at UVa. While it has been an amazing experience, this week has left me very insecure. In the mornings I'm getting up at 4:30/4:45 every morning just to read my bible, get ready, and then commute. But my quiet times feel rushed and I feel like I haven't seen God evidently working in my life. And I don't like that. I also haven't run much this week. Mostly because I'm tappering down for a race, but I feel insecure right now about my ability to run. I'm wondering how I'll be able to maintain. I'm even insecure in my clinical abilities. Because the patients are so fragile in the neuro ward, I don't get to do as much as I would like and feel that I'm not really good enough. I don't if it's the exhaustion of the week or just being overly emotional right now but it's rough. I've noticed that when insecurity strikes in one area of life, it often overflows into others. I'm not really sure what I can do to get rid of this feeling except take tomorrow as a new day and try not to take everything so personally. I guess we're all insecure about something. And if you say you're not, then you're probably lying. Anyways, tomorrow will be a new day.

Post Race Racing

So...Currently my friend Laura and I are training for a half marathon at the end of April. This has included a lot of running. Last weekend, as I've mentioned, we ran the Cherry Blossom 10 miler. Then just for kicks and giggles, but really for training, we ran 10 more on Saturday. That right there was 20 miles in less than 7 days. Crazy right? Well at least for me.

Last week I ran a total of 34 miles! That's a huge number in my book. Probably the most I've ever run in one week since I started running in May. That's also something I've been thinking about a lot. It's almost been a full year since I've started running. The first few months I ran sporadically, a few miles here and there while training for my first half marathon. It's kind of crazy to think about. Since then, I've run what feels like a ton of races. 2 half's, a couple of 10 mile runs, some 10ks, 15ks, and everything else in between. Not to mention the many miles I've logged on my faithful running shoes.

Anyways this week may not have been productive in the academic sense, but against the pavement, it was awesome.

April Showers

Happy April everyone!

It seems that while this may not come as a shock, running is my new obsession. And obsession it is. If you've never run before consistently, you might not understand what I'm getting at. There's something about being dedicated and disciplined to the sport that pretty much takes up your whole life.

The first couple of months I started running, it was because some girls from my class were going to run a half marathon. I never to do anything half way, so once I decided I was gonna do it, that was it-training started. Training for a race like that and actually running it, are two very different experiences, ones that I highly recommend to anyone who has ever considered it. Anyways, the first few months, I felt obligated to run. I had to do it so I could finish the race. And once I went home for the summer, I was lucky to run once or twice a week. In fact, I never got above 8 miles before the half marathon before I ran it. And yes I did finish it without walking.

But after those feelings of dread (that are associated with running at first) go away, it becomes an obsession. I run all the time. If I see someone outside running, I think, I probably ran farther than you today or how come I'm not out there right now? I actually get a little bit jealous on a nice day when I see people running and I'm not. If I'm scheduled to run and I don't - well that day has pretty much gone to hell because that's the only thing on my mind for the rest of the day. I'm always competeing against myself too. Can I get a better time? Can I go farther today than I had planned? Can I even make it up the hill? And then of course, there's the competeing against other people I see running - can I pass them? How long is there run? etc.

So it really has become an obsession. So much in fact that I just finished another race on Sunday - The Washington D.C. Cherry Blossom 10 miler. It was actually a great race. I didn't hit a wall until about mile 8, and then I always play mental games with myself to make sure I finish it.

Yesterday didn't go as well as I would have liked, but I still did decently. My overall time was 1:31:53 giving me an average time of 9:12 per mile. I was hoping to be a little faster, but I'm pretty satisfied overall.

The best part about the weekend? Staying in D.C. and running with all of my fabulous friends.
Happy Monday!

P.S. Running has totally taken over my life. I even ran 3.2 miles today because it was on the schedule!

Running in the Rain

I don't know if you've ever though about running in the rain, but it's not as glamorous as it sounds. Kim planned a 7 mile route that, on a normal day probably would have been a no-brainer. Today, it was an adventure to put it mildly. During the first mile, it started to down pour. We were already soaked with 6.5 miles left to go. The rain backed off a little bit and though it wasn't enjoyable, it wasn't nearly as bad as before. What made it especially difficult was dodging all of the ginormous puddles that continued to build up throughout the whole route. This was just one of those days where time doesn't matter, you just keep running to finish. And finish we did, after we stopped at the move theater so Kim could use the bathroom. Seriously, there was a lot of mishap along the way of the run. And even though it was slower than normal, my legs definitely feel 7 miles worth of worn and sore.

Now I'm going to celebrate my going drinking lots and lots of coffee. And maybe take a nap. The best part of the run? Kim and I decided that we are hardcore runners. In between the "oh my gosh my shoes!" and the "yuck, the mud!" we really are a couple of tough chicks. Pictures to follow. I promise they're hilarious.

A fabulous run

This week has been pretty awesome. Let me back track a bit and fill you in on some of the amazing things God is teaching me.

Sunday I went to the 6PM service with Jo where I was just in a terrible mood. There was nothing that happened that made me feel bitter, but I constantly had to talk to God to pull me out of this funk so I could enjoy the service and the college/career group afterwards. God changed my attitude and I felt completely in His presence. After church and our group, we always go out to eat. We just went to Applebee's and had great fellowship with one another. Since the beginning of the night my attitude had done a 180 turn. It made me realize that God has this journey for each of us and while we desperately need to cling to Him, He's given us each other too. He doesn't want us to have to go through this life alone. It was so comforting and truly made me feel like I am where I need and am supposed to be.

Then Sunday night I had a crazy dream. I know I blogged about a crazy dream a few months ago, but this one was completely different. Joanna and I were on a road trip going somewhere south, about an 8 drive, though no name was specifically given. Along the way we stopped to see Joanna's mom and sister. We ate at this little hometown cafe/restaurant. We had this really cute waiter. And even though I am not this forward, I asked him for his phone number. He looked at me and said "I don't know even know you. What are your goals in life?" I rattle off my goals and he told me his which were almost identical. He asked me "What characteristics are you looking for in a man?" For some reason, I pulled out a list from my pocket. I read off a bunch but did say that he had to be a man of God - which is and was definitely on my must-have list. He rattled off his list saying that his wife would have to be a Christian. I kind of sat there in disbelief and showed him that I had that written down about a spouse too. He took my number and said that he would call me, but he would make the first move. And that was that.

The rest of the dream is hazy, but I so vividly still remember everything that happened. I woke up Monday morning and felt like I had heard directly from God. I think there were a couple of things that God was telling me through this dream. First, all of the characteristics I want and desire in a husband, I can have. God's telling me He will give me those things, but I have to wait for His timing and not settle for something else while I'm waiting. Secondly, God is again is definitely telling me to be patient. For example, where the waiter said that he would make the first move. God needs to be still and listen to Him. Lastly, and this may be a stretch, but just being on a journey with no real destination in mind makes me think that God can and will call me anywhere and I'll have to be ready to do.

Anyways this dream has been on my mind all week, but it's been such an encouragement.

In other news, I had a fabulous run today. It was only 6.33 miles, but it was mostly hills and very intense and I feel empowered. And a little sore. Enjoy this beautiful day!