Pre-dating Dumped...(I really hope he doesn't see this)

It all happened on a Wednesday night.  I was out to dinner with Britney when it happened.  A few hours or so and I hadn't checked my phone. I glanced down to see what was going on (because Britney was looking something up) and I saw a missed call and voice mail.  This is strange considering mostly we just text with the occasional phone call (mostly when I'm drunk).  And boy, did it stop me in my tracks.  I have to say, he is a great guy and very cordial, being honest when many would have lead me on or even used me in this situation.  But talk about a voice mail.  After listening to it, I faked a stomach ache and headed home (dinner was over anyway) or more like headed to Melissa's for clarity and drinking...

I'm sure we've all been in the position where we have began a relationship or at least talked about beginning a relationship or better yet, discussed the possibility of a relationship.  Which mostly goes like "Hey, I like you, what do you think about that?"  To which a response is either "Yea, let's date..." or "Well you're a really great person, BUT..." to which I have received the latter.

In a sense, having a crush on someone is fantastic.  You think about them all the time, talk to them all the time, and generally hang out with them all the time.  Crushing on someone is great because you get to know someone and you realize why you like them in the first place. Being Crushed by someone is completely different.  While I know that telling someone you don't have the same feelings for them is incredibly hard (because yes, I have been in this position too), it definitely has some rough effects when you are on the receiving end.

In my case, I had been honest and upfront with my crush, letting him know how I felt (not without much difficulty) and trying to figure out what my feelings were and meant.  A few weeks later he was honest with me too. And though I appreciate his feelings (or lack thereof), I find myself somewhat disheveled.  In a way, I was sort of expecting the response, but hearing it aloud, makes it totally different and life like.  Knowing that you feel for someone and they don't feel for you (or at least in the same way) is extremely hard.  Not to mention, where does the relationship go from here?  Do we remain friends (I mean, that's all we've always been - nothing different) or do we displace the relationship all together?

So what do I do? I took two days (a reasonable amount of time for a non-dating relationship) to cry and drink about it and get the hell over it. Maybe I rushed it or didn't give myself enough time, but I decided that I can be mature and look at this as an opportunity of growth and to start a new chapter.  Not always easy, but why not preserve the friendship?  I mean honestly, we're two grown adults who have the ability to be honest with each other and not let it affect what happens.  Why not?  Maybe I'm crazy...maybe I'm still dealing with it all...who knows.  But as far as pre-dating dumped goes, it sucks.  Hopefully the friendship can still be preserved....

I'll keep you posted.

Fake It Til You Make It

If I've learned anything over these past 8 months after grad school, it's that life does not always go according to plan.  In 8 months, I've held two different jobs, lived in (essentially) three different places, lost relationships, made relationships, cried a whole hell of a lot, and well you can see the list goes on.  

I didn't know exactly what life post-grad school would like, but I certainly didn't imagine it to be like this. I love working - it gives me that sense and feel of accomplishment, not to mention that I have the opportunity to help people better themselves.  I love spending time with my friends and family - everyone needs that support system (especially on those terribly, awful, yucky very bad days).  I even love that I'm figuring out who I am again and what I really want from  life.

The past few months (and even days) I feel like I've been drowning.  There's nothing to hold onto - no goals to work towards; nothing to keep me motivated.  I've gotten to the point where running and working out has become a minimal occurrence.  That was the kind of thing that used to drive me. For a while, I've been feeling like I've slipped through the cracks and I'm doing everything in my control to keep hanging on.  Life is much busier, much harder, and more unfair than I had anticipated.  Where are the college classes that teach you how to manage your finances (loans, bills, pay checks, etc.)?  Where were the classes that taught you how to manage with the stress, anxiety, or depression that sets in on your doorstep when you enter the real world?  These were just a few of the things that I was unprepared for. 

Finally, after some time, I feel I'm getting acclimated to the expectations and demands forced upon me as a working adult.  And somehow I'm starting to manage it all and beginning to find time for myself again. I was reminded this weekend that "Even on the really bad days, you know the ones where you feel like you can't go on? Well, I just have to look and think my track record with bad days is 100% and that's a pretty good record..."  In other words just fake it til you make it.  Eventually things can only get better.