A lot can change in a year...

So I've deleted this blog, revamped it, changed it, hated it, but ultimately, I still want somewhere to write a bunch of thoughts that may or may not have to do with exercise or running.  And while I still plan on keeping my fitness blog, this is a good place to lay down all those wandering thoughts I still have and still feel the intense need/desire to share.

So where were you a year ago today?

Think about that for maybe five minutes.  I can tell you I was working at Fox Speech Therapy, frustrated and fed up with the way I was treated as an employee; completely exhausted with work.  I was smitten with a boy who had potential and was (and honestly still is) genuinely a great guy.  I was driving Adele (my 2001 dodge stratus from high school).  I was living at home (in Montross).  And I had just taken my board certification exam for OT.

And today all of that has changed.  Drastic right? But a lot can happen in a year.  You can quit jobs, take time off, and find new jobs within a matter of weeks.  You can have your heart broken and not even be in love.  You can buy a new car (I love Ollie by the way - my 2009 Nissan Xterra).  You can move - twice even.  Yep I did that.  Moved twice.  And you can be an OT for a whole year in a completely different field.

It's funny because day by day, nothing seems to change, but when you look at it, everything is different.  All just life lessons learned I suppose.

Toying Around...

I don't always share my weight loss story with everyone...mainly because it's not quite finished yet. But last week, I mentioned to a co-worker that in grad school, I decided to become a healthier, fitter version of myself shedding close to 75lbs.

And you know how the story goes.  One person tells someone who tells someone who tells someone and the list goes on.  I'm very proud of myself in this regard as it's not only hard to lose weight, but it's hard to lose weight the right way and keep it off.  A few of the med-techs that I work with suggested that I start a fitness/health blog.  Now, who am I to give advice on anything?  My schooling is in Rehabilitation and I don't really feel competent enough in lifestyle and wellness to give advice to others.  Although, I do think somewhere down the line I want to study wellness and life coaching/personal training to help others.

Anyways, so I'm toying with the idea of revamping this blog or starting a new one that focuses on health/fitness/running.  I'm hoping that it will keep me more accountable to posting every once in a while as well.

I'll keep you updated here about what I figure out/decide.  But I think I have some good ideas...

Happy Trails.

It's only okay when I say it

Recently, having experienced both the loss and heartbreak of people very close to me, I find myself looking for an outlet to write my words and thoughts down.  One thing I've found, especially recently, is that keeping everything in is detrimental.  So here's my outlet and here's today's fathomable thoughts.

My favorite quote for the past few months has been "You realize you're not alone right?  No one in their twenties has life figured out.  It's okay to be a mess.  You're living."  I find this not only soothing and comforting, but absolutely 100% true.

Over the past year, I've experienced many changes: a new job (twice), graduating college, moving out (twice), buying a new car, loss, death, and heartbreak.  My confidence has been shaken, my trust broken, and my so called life turned upside down and inside out.  All the while, life moves on waiting for no one.  No matter the cause - death, heartbreak, stress, etc.  These changes are enough to make one question their self worth and ability.  And while I've often said that I don't feel like I have my life together, I never realized how far from the truth that really was.

I've always had an idea of what life would look like at 20, 25, 40 etc.  And everything I imagined, has turned out differently than expected.  I thought at 25, I would wildly successful at my job, in love or at least seriously dating someone, have my own place - basically everything that says success in today's world.  So far, I find that it will probably be years before I'm anywhere near confident with my OT skills, experienced one hell of a heart break, and rent an apartment in my friend's house.

Tonight at a bar, my friends were talking with some guys.  This 34 year old made the comment that he couldn't date anyone under the age of 28 because girls younger than that "don't know what they fucking want..."  My friend's response was "Well, Tristan is 25, has her Master's degree and runs about 25 miles a week.  I'd say she's pretty successful and knows what she wants..."

And that's when it dawned on me. Even when I feel that I don't have my shit together, I do.  I've come a long way, worked really hard, and experienced a lot to make me who I am.  I may be 25 and feel like a complete and total mess, but at least I'm living.  And I'm the only one who can say whether it's right or wrong.

Nothing says I love you like a 10K

Today I feel in love with running all over again.  No it wasn't a marathon or even a half, but it was just about the most perfect 10K I could have dreamed of (except maybe with a faster time...). After a long week and a busy weekend with about 10 hours of sleep total, I dragged my butt out of bed at 6AM (on my day off) to run.  If that doesn't say 'I love you' what does? 

I picked up my race bib, packet, and time chip around 7 and hung around for the 8:00 start.  I turned pandora on and off I went.  Now a 10K is only 6.2 miles, but no matter what distance I run, I always find the first 1-2 miles to prove a little difficult.  Today's race was no exception.  I started off slower than usual and really focused on enjoying the pace that I was running at.  And to make things better, I didn't time myself by the mile markers taking off a lot of pressure. 

To make a long story short (or 1:00:57 - my time), I thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of the race today.  The weather was beautiful, the crowd energizing, and even the hills didn't seems so bad.  Maybe it was the negative splits or maybe the runner's high but by the end of the race, I was in love with running again. 

It felt good to remember the feel of the pavement, the excitement of the crowd, and pushing through any discomfort.  It felt amazing to let all the work things and boy things and family things go and just run.  I was spending time with myself and I had no cares in the world. And who doesn't love that?

What do you mean I write a blog?

Well that's exactly what I thought too when I was scrolling through my bookmark list on the internet. Why not update the whole world wide web on my whereabouts, misfortunes, and shortcomings?  In other words, I turned 25.  Now to most, this is a non-monumental age where life goes on.  For me, I panicked and had a quarter life crisis.  Dyed my hair, moved from my apartment, bought a new car, and got a tattoo...well the tattoo is coming - hasn't quite happened yet.  Anyways, I guess maybe 25 just brought about some necessary change in my life.  And why not happen all at once I suppose. Here's what 25 has taught me so far:

1. No matter how old you are in numbers, you still may not be mature.  I've dealt with those who SHOULD act a little older, but they don't.

2. If you love your job, you'll ever work a day in your life. This one makes me lucky.

3. You have to learn to let things go...easier said than done and still too fresh to get into.

4. Cherish the time you have and spend with your family. They're your life line and support system and I'd be no where without them. 

5.  Sometimes your family are not just the people related to you by blood, but the people who stick by your side no matter what happens. 

6. A dog's love is unconditional.  Thank God for that.

7. Running is a gift.  And it should be treated as such.

8.Life goes on.  It may hurt like hell, but you'll get past the dark days too...I mean your track record for getting through bad days is 100%...

Love. 

Pre-dating Dumped...(I really hope he doesn't see this)

It all happened on a Wednesday night.  I was out to dinner with Britney when it happened.  A few hours or so and I hadn't checked my phone. I glanced down to see what was going on (because Britney was looking something up) and I saw a missed call and voice mail.  This is strange considering mostly we just text with the occasional phone call (mostly when I'm drunk).  And boy, did it stop me in my tracks.  I have to say, he is a great guy and very cordial, being honest when many would have lead me on or even used me in this situation.  But talk about a voice mail.  After listening to it, I faked a stomach ache and headed home (dinner was over anyway) or more like headed to Melissa's for clarity and drinking...

I'm sure we've all been in the position where we have began a relationship or at least talked about beginning a relationship or better yet, discussed the possibility of a relationship.  Which mostly goes like "Hey, I like you, what do you think about that?"  To which a response is either "Yea, let's date..." or "Well you're a really great person, BUT..." to which I have received the latter.

In a sense, having a crush on someone is fantastic.  You think about them all the time, talk to them all the time, and generally hang out with them all the time.  Crushing on someone is great because you get to know someone and you realize why you like them in the first place. Being Crushed by someone is completely different.  While I know that telling someone you don't have the same feelings for them is incredibly hard (because yes, I have been in this position too), it definitely has some rough effects when you are on the receiving end.

In my case, I had been honest and upfront with my crush, letting him know how I felt (not without much difficulty) and trying to figure out what my feelings were and meant.  A few weeks later he was honest with me too. And though I appreciate his feelings (or lack thereof), I find myself somewhat disheveled.  In a way, I was sort of expecting the response, but hearing it aloud, makes it totally different and life like.  Knowing that you feel for someone and they don't feel for you (or at least in the same way) is extremely hard.  Not to mention, where does the relationship go from here?  Do we remain friends (I mean, that's all we've always been - nothing different) or do we displace the relationship all together?

So what do I do? I took two days (a reasonable amount of time for a non-dating relationship) to cry and drink about it and get the hell over it. Maybe I rushed it or didn't give myself enough time, but I decided that I can be mature and look at this as an opportunity of growth and to start a new chapter.  Not always easy, but why not preserve the friendship?  I mean honestly, we're two grown adults who have the ability to be honest with each other and not let it affect what happens.  Why not?  Maybe I'm crazy...maybe I'm still dealing with it all...who knows.  But as far as pre-dating dumped goes, it sucks.  Hopefully the friendship can still be preserved....

I'll keep you posted.

Fake It Til You Make It

If I've learned anything over these past 8 months after grad school, it's that life does not always go according to plan.  In 8 months, I've held two different jobs, lived in (essentially) three different places, lost relationships, made relationships, cried a whole hell of a lot, and well you can see the list goes on.  

I didn't know exactly what life post-grad school would like, but I certainly didn't imagine it to be like this. I love working - it gives me that sense and feel of accomplishment, not to mention that I have the opportunity to help people better themselves.  I love spending time with my friends and family - everyone needs that support system (especially on those terribly, awful, yucky very bad days).  I even love that I'm figuring out who I am again and what I really want from  life.

The past few months (and even days) I feel like I've been drowning.  There's nothing to hold onto - no goals to work towards; nothing to keep me motivated.  I've gotten to the point where running and working out has become a minimal occurrence.  That was the kind of thing that used to drive me. For a while, I've been feeling like I've slipped through the cracks and I'm doing everything in my control to keep hanging on.  Life is much busier, much harder, and more unfair than I had anticipated.  Where are the college classes that teach you how to manage your finances (loans, bills, pay checks, etc.)?  Where were the classes that taught you how to manage with the stress, anxiety, or depression that sets in on your doorstep when you enter the real world?  These were just a few of the things that I was unprepared for. 

Finally, after some time, I feel I'm getting acclimated to the expectations and demands forced upon me as a working adult.  And somehow I'm starting to manage it all and beginning to find time for myself again. I was reminded this weekend that "Even on the really bad days, you know the ones where you feel like you can't go on? Well, I just have to look and think my track record with bad days is 100% and that's a pretty good record..."  In other words just fake it til you make it.  Eventually things can only get better.